The Suffering Dark place of Depression (Part 1) Part 2
I find it very difficult to share certain experiences of my life, but this morning I sensed an urge to share my thoughts, in the hope that some person may benefit from it.
Living in Your head
In my early twenties, I lived in the most dreadful place “My Head”. It was a very small room, dark, lonely, and isolated. For me, everything was either black or white and in complete extremes. I didn’t have the (mental) awareness to weigh up the actual reality of things. I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings. Opening my eyes, I would have a sense of dread and of a heavy weight upon me and my first thoughts were “there’s no point in getting up today”. I would turn around and go back asleep.
My job at the time was in Hotel & Catering. I would arrive to work immaculately clean, all done up with make up on and a big smile, ready for the day’s work. However, underneath there was a very different story. My normal line of thinking went like this… “there’s no point to life, what’s the use of living, I’m sick of feeling so miserable, I hate my job, I hate where I live, I’m sick of life, I don’t see any point in continuing”.
Then, I got sick and lost my job; down I spiralled into what I would describe as the pit of hell. In my head I had this angry hatred towards myself. I hated being me because of the way I felt, how I looked and who I was. I had absolutely zero tolerance for myself. Looking back, I can see that I lived my life completely in my head, interpreting what I thought people thought of me, said about me, felt about me. I was at the Doctors every week for painkillers and antidepressants, but the pills never took away the mental pain. I struggled with my sickness and mental suffering each day now, living completely isolated.
Thoughts of suicide were commonplace in my mind. Looking back, all I wanted was to be free from that dreaded, dark place that consumed me day and night. I would have done anything to be free of it.
Frustrated and Angry
At the time in my life I had no sense of who God was. But, each night, I shouted out through tears, in anger and frustration, to him, who I knew nothing about, “I can’t go on like this”, “take this away”!
That’s all I can speak about for now, but my life did not stay in that dark place for much longer. Part 2
In times of anger, hurt and pain we need love and God longs to love us even more so when we are in the depths of despair and feel so far from him.