The Suffering Dark Place of Depression

The Suffering Dark place of Depression (Part 1)  Part 2

I find it very difficult to share certain experiences of my life, but this morning I sensed an urge to share my thoughts, in the hope that some person may benefit from it.

Living in Your head

In my early twenties, I lived in the most dreadful place “My Head”. It was a very small room, dark, lonely, and isolated. For me, everything was either black or white and in complete extremes. I didn’t have the (mental) awareness to weigh up the actual reality of things. I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings. Opening my eyes, I would have a sense of dread and of a heavy weight upon me and my first thoughts were “there’s no point in getting up today”. I would turn around and go back asleep.

Spiralling Downwards

My job at the time was in Hotel & Catering. I would arrive to work immaculately clean, all done up with make up on and a big smile, ready for the day’s work. However, underneath there was a very different story. My normal line of thinking went like this… “there’s no point to life, what’s the use of living, I’m sick of feeling so miserable, I hate my job, I hate where I live, I’m sick of life, I don’t see any point in continuing”.

Then, I got sick and lost my job; down I spiralled into what I would describe as the pit of hell. In my head I had this angry hatred towards myself. I hated being me because of the way I felt, how I looked and who I was. I had absolutely zero tolerance for myself. Looking back, I can see that I lived my life completely in my head, interpreting what I thought people thought of me, said about me, felt about me. I was at the Doctors every week for painkillers and antidepressants, but the pills never took away the mental pain. I struggled with my sickness and mental suffering each day now, living completely isolated.

Thoughts of suicide were commonplace in my mind. Looking back, all I wanted was to be free from that dreaded, dark place that consumed me day and night. I would have done anything to be free of it.

Frustrated and Angry

At the time in my life I had no sense of who God was. But, each night, I shouted out through tears, in anger and frustration, to him, who I knew nothing about, “I can’t go on like this”, “take this away”!
That’s all I can speak about for now, but my life did not stay in that dark place for much longer. Part 2

Song Resource

In times of anger, hurt and pain we need love and God longs to love us even more so when we are in the depths of despair and feel so far from him.

Listen to “How I Long” on Spotify or Listen to How I Long on youtube

 

3 Comments

  1. Renee Doyle on July 22, 2018 at 4:47 pm

    I am proufoundly moved by your words Angela and am in awe at your immense courage in sharing such a deeply painful and challenging time in your life. My first thought was that had I been living here then and had even the slightest awareness of the depth of your depression, I would have made myself totally free for you to share with and would had offered you the utmost compassion and understanding. I would have been happy to not only listen for as long as was needed, but would have made a concerted effort to encourage you towards finding the appropriate help you so needed at that time. It is now so wonderful to hear that you are free of it to the extent that it no longer controls your everyday life and you can freely express the impact those years had upon you. Your selflessness in doing so will be a huge inspiration and encouragement, not only to those experiencing the same, or similar symtoms, but to anyone out there, who lacks insight into the various forms of depression and its wretched impact upon those who have to deal with it on a daily basis. It will help people to be more willing to educate themselves about it, enabling them to become more insightful, compassionate and approachable. Sometimes, we are so used to people hurriedly responding that they are ‘grand’ whilst discreetly avoiding eye contact when asked how they are, or they may be displaying overly enthusiastic mock cheerfullness. How much effort would it take for us to just say, “ I’d love you to drop by for a coffee one day’ with the emphasis very much on the words ‘love’ I know that these small efforts may not make a huge difference, but on the other hand, they also have to propensity to make some difference, if only the very beginning, for someone who needs a welcoming ear, a person they can trust implicidly and whom they can open up to without feeling judged,burdonsome, misunderstood or in any way embarassed. I have never quite understood why there should be a stigma attached to depression any more than any other condition. I feel that medical practitioners need more training in how to deal with their patients in this regard. There are sadly still GPs who are unwilling to discuss in a compassionate manner, or offer more appropriate guidance to the patient to help them find the correct therapies, councelling etc. They will dispense antidepressants, knowing that this alone is not addressing the problem, but rather just numbing the pain inside, delaying progress entirely, or even jeopardising progress. The underlying issues that need to be dealt with are often simply pushed further beneath the surface to fester and sit in limbo until the right person listens, helps and supports one through the long journey towards freedom from their suffering to where they regain peace if mind and self worth.
    These are only my own thoughts, all derived from the interaction over the years with people who simply needed a willing pair of ears. They taught me so very much more about the hunan condition than any text book.
    So dear Angela, I celebrate the joy and tranquility you have found in your life against the challenges that were oresented to you and which Than the Lord you have overcome. You have achieved so much in your young life and continue to do so. Your beautiful children will without doubt be immensely proud of all that and will undoubtedly make every effort to emulate you and their Dad.

  2. Renee Doyle on July 22, 2018 at 5:10 pm

    🤭Sorry to have given you a totally unedited and therefore very flawed message, but I clicked before my usual check🤭

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